Stress is a very...umm...fucked up...emotion. Have you ever convinced yourself that you were dying? Now, you and me, let's do some visualizing together. Clear your mind... Take a few deep breaths... Ready?
Now imagine the stress that would overcome you during the moments following the recognition of a terrible inevitability...your imminent demise.
YOU'RE DYING, BUTTWIPE! GET USED TO IT.
Where do you think your thoughts would take you?
On Wednesday night, I had myself convinced that I was going to die.
What are the chances of a man getting breast cancer?? Supposedly, an inherited "altered gene" is required (or most likely required) for a male to get it. I'm not doctor... I've learned all of my medical knowledge from TV. ER, House, CSI... that's about it. Oh yeah, Biology class and common sense were helpful too. But mostly TV :) And on TV, people always have that rare thing...
So I sat at home on Wednesday night with a fever, chills, and this very strange red mark on the right side of my chest. A little squeeze revealed a lump under the skin.
"OH NO! IT MUST HAVE METASTASIZED AND MOVED TO MY BRAIN! I'M GONNA DIE! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?? AHHH. I HAVE TO TRAVEL. THAT'S WHAT DYING PEOPLE DO RIGHT?? I HAVE TO QUIT WORK AND TRAVEL! I'LL VISIT.. UMM.. AMSTERDAM!! HONG KONG!! FIJI!!"
Two hours later:
"AAHHHHHHHH...........OKAY, I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP"
Two hours later, dreaming, I sat out on some quaint terrasse in Europe, smoking a big one, sipping single malt, waiting for my time to come. I'm sure the dream went somewhere else, but I can never remember after I wake up.
On Thursday morning, a nice doctor at the nearby walk-in clinic took one look at my red mark, handed me some anti-biotics from his samples cabinet, and sent me on my way.
That's it? I'm not dying? Well.. umm.. AWESOME!!! Talk about an over-reaction.
My father put it well: "You dumbass," he said empathetically. "You should have just called me! I could have told you that you weren't dying."
Why didn't I think of that?
Oh yeah, I remember! I was DYING! I guess that panic-stricken Rob doesn't think to make phone calls. As it turns out, I was only dying of stress. The more I had convinced myself that I was dying, the more stressed I got, and the more stressed I got, the closer I was to having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown! Now that's a vicious cycle if I've ever seen one :) Who would have thought that convincing yourself of your fate would eventually force your body to follow along!
So it was a coincidence that my little infection appeared where it did. It could have been on my leg, or my arm, or my face... But nooooo, it picked the one place where infections shouldn't be, and freaked me right the hell out! From now on, no more fear of dying! That's right. I'm gonna grab life by the balls, and go for the gusto! Carpe Diem! I wanted more ways of saying sieze the day here, but I'm at a loss. Ideas anyone?
Oh and one more thing! Don't tell anyone I told you this. It's waaaay too embarassing :)
2 comments:
Straight out of dictionary.com's thesaurus:
carpe diem, grab the chance, live for the day, live from hand to mouth, make no provision, seize the occasion, smell the roses, take the opportunity
About the post though, I'm far from convinced that you actually believed that you were dying. Sure there may have been some hypochondriac paranoid ass part of you that was thinking about the possibility of breast cancer. You may even have focused on that thought for one evening, but you were certainly not acting like somebody that truly believed death was imminent.
That said, I think the exaggeration of the thought makes the post much better than the alternative post would have been, so bravo.
Another thought occurs though. Suppose you had breast cancer. In many cases (well... if caught in time) it can be removed from a woman, the life altering downside being, of course, the loss of her breasts. So I ask, if you diagnose breast cancer in a man early can you still remove the tumor as easily or is it much more likely to be fatal in a man given that it will form much closer to the breastplate, thus giving it easier access to spread to more serious places? Obviously breast cancer is a reason to panic either way. I'm not denying that, I'm more raising this question out of shear curiosity and to provoke discussion... GO!
Oh, I almost forgot. Asking us not to tell anyone what you just made public domain? That's some nice irony.
Oh Rob, your incessant, incorrigible paranoia continues to amuse. Good job.
I'm sure you can guess what my take on this is. Like everything else, it's all mind over matter. If someone is brainwashed to believe they're a chicken, you can bet your bottom dollar, they'll be clucking till the cows come home. The same applies if you brainwash yourself. It goes back to the whole psycho-babble of creating positive dominant thoughts. Plant a thought, reap an action. Plant an action, reap a habit. Plant a habit, reap a character. etc, etc ...
So yeah, break the cycle and make the moment! Celebrate your second chance ;)
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