Why do we have to be so tactful all the time?
Now that's a solid question to start off this post - Tact: The human damper mechanism designed to shield our peers/co-earthlings from unneeded emotional trauma or intellectual interruptions.
Tact is only a part of what I actually want to touch upon in this post. I actually admire tactless people - only a little bit though...there are obviously times where tact is a must (if you don't know someone, tact is important) - I admire them because they're not scared to say what's on their mind. Unfortunately, people without tact can often say things that get under our skin...woops! I've stumbled onto my point already.
Revised question: Why do we take things personally when accusations or facts about people/situations are brought up by our friends?
We all deal with accusations/perceived personal attacks differently. We all have our own defense mechanisms. Sadly, a lot of issues never get dealt with because people are afraid to bring them up, for fear of what the other person is going to think/say about what you bring up! Like "I don't want to bring this up because I don't want you to bring up something related that will hurt me"... or "I shouldn't bring this up because I might jeopardize the relationship that I have with this person".
I think the solution to all this mess is for us all to stop taking everything so damned personally. I know where I stand with most people that I know. It's generally very easy to tell if I am or am not close to someone. There are obviously degrees of closeness, but I can usually tell if someone likes me or if they think I'm a pain in the ass. Conversely, I usually emote pretty solid body language that demonstrates my liking/disliking of someone.
This leads to one sentence: "If you like someone and they like you, then stop being so damned tactful all the time."
That's right folks, if we're friends, we should just tell each other what's on our minds. If there are repercussions, and I take something personally (against my own advice), then it's better that it was said anyways because I now have more knowledge about that relationship, and about how that person thinks. I probably wouldn't jump to conclusions and think "oooh, this person is getting under my skin, which means he doesn't value our relationship as much as I do." Instead, I would think "Wow, this person really has no problems saying what he/she thinks to me...He/she must feel that they're comfortable enough with me to say what's on their mind."
So no more hiding your true feelings/thoughts! Don't be afraid to stir the pot if something's on your mind, and don't forget to keep sight of the positives in every situation. Listen to Rob... :)
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4 comments:
That is a very dangerous philosophy. I think I would agree, but only if the sentance, "That's right folks, if we're friends..." were changed to, "That's right folks, if we're lovers..."
i.e. Complete and total openness allows you to become much, much closer to someone. That said, the danger is that if you have slightly incompatible personalities then your openness will quickly become a big divider in your relationship. We are tactful around people we don't know. Our level of tact changes as we become more comfortable with a person. We let ourselves say different thing based on how we expect the person will react. Basically tact is like a filter. I will consider what I want to say to you, then I will consider if I think the resultant discussion will benefit me/our relationship and if it will I will proceed. I may be very good friends with 2 different people and I may have the same problem with both of them. It's possible I'll only talk to frind A about it because I know s/he will be receptive while friend B will not and it will only succeed in weakening our relationship.
The reason I said I agree only in the case of lovers is that if lovers personalities are incompatible in any way, it is best to find that out sooner rather than later. This allows you to determine if your problems are serious enough that the relationship should be ended or if you can work through them. Basically applying your "tact filter" to a relationship with a lover will only postpone the compatibility problems from becoming evident. Unfortunately it is human nature to want your signifigant other to like you and thus, a lot of people, if they modify their "lover tact filter" at all will tend to strengthen it.
Okay maybe I'm missing something or oversimplifying a bit. But tact is a communicative skill and has little to do with openness.
If there is something on your mind that you've decided is worth sharing and you're convinced that your thought will be met with mixed reactions, then tact is the tool you use to tailor your message delivery to meet the ears of the intended audience with minimal consequence.
I agree that the closer you get to someone, the less tactful you could be, and that the level of friendship does not dictate the level of tact because of the whole being human issue. I do not agree, however, with complete and total openness on account of relationship status be it friend or lover.
If I decide that I want my brain to be the permanent dwelling place for a thought/feeling that you as a friend is itching to know, then that's my perogative. And that does not mean that I'm hiding something from you or trying to protect you. It could just be that what I feel cannot be expressed in words. Or maybe my thought is incomplete and I want to see where things go before involving a third party. Or maybe I know you so well that I can guarantee the information will be irrelevant to you. Or maybe tact should be on the part of the person wanting the information so that the perceived 'hider' doesn't feel intruded. Personal space is a huge issue. Discuss at will.
I don't think you missed anything or oversimplified. If anything, Rob and I oversimplified. We equated tact and openness which are, in reality, two very different things. It just so happens that that simplification made a lot of sense for the direction that the discussion went in.
In closing, I fully agree with everything you have said.
"Tact" and "open-ness" are two entirely different concepts. One can be tactfully and open... one can also be untactful and closed.
I think a combination of both is what is needed... Everything in moderation. For example, if you have a big truth to lay on someone, use some tact. Example:
No tact: Mom: car = totaled.
Some Tact: I'm really sorry, but Mom I was in an accident and I think the car has quite a bit of damage.
Too Much tact: Dearest Mother, I regret to inform you that you beloved Volvo 740 GLE has been the victim of a freak collison with an ice cream truck and a slippery road of destruction. I, you loving (son/ daughter) am forever in your debt for the emotional, physical and financial trama this must be causing you. Sincerely, Your name.
I can see where this blog was intended to go... an equation of honestly with care? and that honestly is the marker of a good relationship b/w a friend, family member, etc. I agree that honesty can be equated with openness but honestly is not tact.
So be honest, be open... but use a sprinkle of tact... (your female friends might appreciate it)
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