Booby Trap

Stress is a very...umm...fucked up...emotion. Have you ever convinced yourself that you were dying? Now, you and me, let's do some visualizing together. Clear your mind... Take a few deep breaths... Ready?

Now imagine the stress that would overcome you during the moments following the recognition of a terrible inevitability...your imminent demise.

YOU'RE DYING, BUTTWIPE! GET USED TO IT.

Where do you think your thoughts would take you?

On Wednesday night, I had myself convinced that I was going to die.

What are the chances of a man getting breast cancer?? Supposedly, an inherited "altered gene" is required (or most likely required) for a male to get it. I'm not doctor... I've learned all of my medical knowledge from TV. ER, House, CSI... that's about it. Oh yeah, Biology class and common sense were helpful too. But mostly TV :) And on TV, people always have that rare thing...

So I sat at home on Wednesday night with a fever, chills, and this very strange red mark on the right side of my chest. A little squeeze revealed a lump under the skin.

"OH NO! IT MUST HAVE METASTASIZED AND MOVED TO MY BRAIN! I'M GONNA DIE! WHAT AM I GONNA DO?? AHHH. I HAVE TO TRAVEL. THAT'S WHAT DYING PEOPLE DO RIGHT?? I HAVE TO QUIT WORK AND TRAVEL! I'LL VISIT.. UMM.. AMSTERDAM!! HONG KONG!! FIJI!!"

Two hours later:

"AAHHHHHHHH...........OKAY, I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP"

Two hours later, dreaming, I sat out on some quaint terrasse in Europe, smoking a big one, sipping single malt, waiting for my time to come. I'm sure the dream went somewhere else, but I can never remember after I wake up.

On Thursday morning, a nice doctor at the nearby walk-in clinic took one look at my red mark, handed me some anti-biotics from his samples cabinet, and sent me on my way.

That's it? I'm not dying? Well.. umm.. AWESOME!!! Talk about an over-reaction.

My father put it well: "You dumbass," he said empathetically. "You should have just called me! I could have told you that you weren't dying."

Why didn't I think of that?

Oh yeah, I remember! I was DYING! I guess that panic-stricken Rob doesn't think to make phone calls. As it turns out, I was only dying of stress. The more I had convinced myself that I was dying, the more stressed I got, and the more stressed I got, the closer I was to having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown! Now that's a vicious cycle if I've ever seen one :) Who would have thought that convincing yourself of your fate would eventually force your body to follow along!

So it was a coincidence that my little infection appeared where it did. It could have been on my leg, or my arm, or my face... But nooooo, it picked the one place where infections shouldn't be, and freaked me right the hell out! From now on, no more fear of dying! That's right. I'm gonna grab life by the balls, and go for the gusto! Carpe Diem! I wanted more ways of saying sieze the day here, but I'm at a loss. Ideas anyone?

Oh and one more thing! Don't tell anyone I told you this. It's waaaay too embarassing :)

To write or not to write

Lately, there has been much debate about the validity of personal blogging. "Why should I maintain a blog?".

Adam says that he only writes blog posts when he has miscellaneous time to kill, and would not write if he could be doing other, more exciting things. Conversely, Kendall generally writes posts to satisfy a desire for an outlet...he blogs to vent about issues that are on his mind, and/or to express creativity. My dad seems to be a combination of the two, only writing when the spirit moves him, and in random "Oh yeah, I have a blog! I should write" moments.

All of these differences have got me thinking about why I have a blog. I wrote my first post at the threshold of a new period in my life. I had recently finished my 3rd year of Computer Engineering, and was two weeks into a very new concept for me: a 16-month internship, a 9-to-5 job! The fact that it would be 16 months before I would have to look at another school book had me salivating with excitement. I had only known school life at that point. Since the age of 4, I had returned to school every September. It was something that I had grown accustomed to. A routine. But there I stood - dipping my toes into something fresh. The seemingly never ending cycle that I had always known was on a 1 year break, and I needed to express my emotions on the matter somehow... That's why I started my blog.

I am no longer that naive little boy, fresh out of the womb that is our education system. I have tasted real work. My palette took a few months to adjust, but now that it has, I feel like I've gained a ton of perspective. In six months, I'll be heading back to finish up my degree. It's not every day that someone gets the chance to re-enter the womb for a few months after gaining experience in the real world. It's like being (re)born with the ability to walk and talk. That makes me a lucky guy and I'm glad that I have a blog to express that sentiment.

I've had spurts of inspiration since starting this blog, many of which have led to some amazing comment threads...but I've wavered recently. There are times when I enjoy writing how I feel, and there are times when I'd rather just keep things to myself. Right now, I'm in a writing mood! And I have a feeling it'll last... for a while at least. So here's to being back on the blogging bandwagon after many months of sporadic, uninspired posts. Don't expect perfection... I only like to give people the impression that I'm perfect. But that's another post... :)

My Legs Hurt

That's right. My legs hurt. But I love this burn. I want more.

I crave altitude. Relaxing ascents. Aggressive descents.

Moguls and glades. The Contour. 54+.

I'm head over ski boots in love.